RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
• What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
• What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
• What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
• What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
• What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
• What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
• Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
• What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
• What is an astronaut’s forite part on a computer?
The space bar.
• Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
• What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
• Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
• Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.
• What do cows do on date night?
Go to the moo-vies.• What do cows say when they hear a bad joke?
“I am not amoosed.”
• Why do French people eat snails?
They don’t like fast food.
• Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Just in case he got a hole in one!
• Why don’t the circus lions eat the clowns?
Because they taste funny!
Keep the laughs brewing with these funny memes and funny coffee quotes
3 / 9
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
• How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
• What did 0 say to 8?
“Nice belt.”
• What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
• What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
• Why are elephants wrinkly?
Because you can’t iron them.
• What did the cake say to the fork?
You want a piece of me?
• Why did the strawberry cry?
He found himself in a jam.
• Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
• What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me!
• What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
• What’s small and red and has a rough voice?
A hoarse radish!
• Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they are such fungis.
• Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
Too many ears.
• Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?
Because he always got lost at “C.”
• How did the two cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
• “Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.”
These meow-velous cat memes are practically purr-fect.
4 / 9
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
• What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
• Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play has a cast.
• Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
• Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
• A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
• A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
• Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
• Where are erage things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
• How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
• What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
• What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
• How does Moses make tea?
He brews.
• Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
• How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
• Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
These “Why did the chicken cross the road?” jokes are worth jaywalking for.
5 / 9
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
• Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to oid them.
• Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
• I invented a new word!
“Plagiarism!”
• Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
• Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
• Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
• Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.
• Where does the sheep get his hair cut?
The baa-baa shop!
• Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because they are easy to see through.
• Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
• How do trees get online?
They just log on!
• What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
• Why couldn’t the leopard play hide-and-seek?
Because he was always spotted.
• Why do bees he sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
• Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.
• What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.• I hate Russian dolls—
They’re so full of themselves.
You’ll split your gills over these Christmas jokes and fish puns
6 / 9
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Alice.
Alice who?
Alice fair in love and war.
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A pile-up.
A pile-up who?
Oh no, yuck!
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!
• Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble!
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s not working!
• Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Says.
Says who?
Says me!
• Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome.
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
Nobel, that’s why I knocked!
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peephole and find out.
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better!
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Hal.
Hal who?
Hal will you know if you don’t open the door?
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey, bee a dear and get that for me, please!
• Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, you can yodel!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Funny knock-knock jokes for kids.
7 / 9
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
• How do you throw a space party?
You planet.
• What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1.
• How do poets say hello?
Hey, hen’t we metaphor?
• How does a rabbi make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
• Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.
• I try not to tell dad jokes …
But when I do, he thinks they’re funny.
• I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
• I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just he beer.
• Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
• RIP to boiling water.
You will be mist.
• What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
• Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
• The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
• Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All the fans left.
• I’d tell you a pizza joke …
but it’s probably too cheesy.
• My girlfriend treats me like a god.
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
• Which building in New York has the most stories?
The public library.
If you laughed at that one, you’ll melt over these brie-lliant cheese puns.
8 / 9
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
• Why can’t male ants sink?
They’re buoy-ant.
• What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
• How does the ocean say hi?
It wes!
• What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip.
• What do you call an ant who fights crime?
A vigilANTe!
• Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw!
• What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
• I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.
• What’s a cat’s forite dessert?
A bowl full of mice-cream.
• What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach?
“Freeze. You’re under a vest.”
• What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
• What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it. Check out these some pickle puns that are, well, kind of a big dill.
• Why do ducks he feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.
• How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern …”
• How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
We’re milking the laughs with these cow jokes.
9 / 9
Want even more jokes? Enjoy 100 years of our best jokes, stories, riddles and cartoons in the all-new, sidesplitting collection Laughter, the Best Medicine 2023.
Shop Now
Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Reader’s Digest runs it.