If I took away your name, your job, your nationality, your personality type, and everything you use to describe yourself… would “you” still feel like you?
Most people pause here.
skull
Source: Pixabay/Pete Linforth
Maybe because they he never actually met the part of themselves that exists without the labels.
And this is where most of our problems begin. We spend our entire lives protecting identities we did not even choose.
Try being completely messy or lazy for an hour. Notice the discomfort. The tension? That is your identity reacting, it wants you to stay in your survival roles.
Or imagine your partner calls you kind, strong, and reliable, suddenly you feel every label pressing on your shoulders. What if you let yourself be untidy, indecisive, or quiet for a while? That tension is not you being “bad” but it is your learned identity protecting the version of yourself you were trained to perform.
The key is the discomfort is a signal, not a verdict. It shows where survival roles are active. By noticing it, staying with it, and making conscious choices, you begin to act from your authentic self, the part of you beyond labels and old patterns.
Think about the last time your partner pointed out something true but uncomfortable.Maybe they said: “You keep shutting down when we talk.”
What happened inside you?
For many people, a wall instantly comes up. Because your identity - “I’m a calm person” or “I’m not the problem here” - feels threatened.
You don’t ask: “Why am I reacting like this?”
You defend the version of yourself you think you are supposed to be. Identity running the show.
Another example: You are talking to your parents. They ask about your life.You automatically become the polite and easy version of yourself. The one they trained you to be.
Maybe you want to share something raw, a struggle or a fear. But you do not.
Why? Because your “good child” identity is stronger than your honesty. It is automatic.
Identity telling you who you are allowed to be.
When you were young, you absorbed messages like: be strong, do not make trouble, Do not cry, be successful, do not embarrass us. You did not decide these, you inherited them.
And by adulthood, you are not asking: “Who am I?”
You are asking: “Am I being the version of me everyone expects?”
The cost of that is that you live performing and defending, instead of actually being.
Identity Is Not FixedSuszek et al. (2025) suggest that, rather than being a single fixed “self,” we operate with many versions of ourselves - our identity shifts depending on context, role, or inner state.
With parents - you shrink, because they still respond to the child you once were.With a partner - you soften or harden based on past wounds.Alone - you become someone no one else ever sees.
When I was a child, I could dress myself perfectly at daycare. I was more or less independent and kind of capable. But the moment my stepfather came to pick me up, I turned into a different version of myself - “helpless,” pretending I needed assistance.
Why? Because that helpless version got attention. It kept me connected.
Even as kids, we shape-shift to fit roles.
So, If you act differently in every environment, which one is the real you?
The answer is: None of the roles are the real you. They are strategies.
Useful, but not your essence.
There is a part of you that watches your reactions, your thoughts, your patterns, your performances, and your roles. This observing part is not your identity.Martin et al. (2014) argue that beneath the stories and roles we play, there is a more basic ‘minimal self’ - a silent sense of ‘I’m here’ that quietly experiences your feelings, thoughts, and reactions before you even label them.
Identity Essential Reads
How Father Absence Shapes Male Violence Worldwide
The Psychological Crisis of AI-Driven Identity Loss
You can notice your identity, which means: You are not defined by any single identity.
And this is where the phrase "I am no one" becomes powerful.
It means you are not trapped inside one version of yourself and that you can change and rewrite your story. You are not limited to the character you were trained to play.
That is liberation.
When you believe that you are one fixed “someone” you feel guilty when your parents are disappointed because your “good child” identity still runs your choices.
Your mom says, “You should do this.” You obey automatically.
Why? Because you were trained this way. But what if she is acting out of her fears, and not your needs? Most people never question this.
Let’s say in your relationships, you stay too long. You tell yourself:
“A loyal person does not lee when things get hard.”
Then your partner hits a crisis - loses a job, struggles emotionally -and suddenly you feel trapped in your own identity: “I cannot lee. I am not that kind of person.”
But is this loyalty?
Or fear of breaking a role you he worn for years?
You might mistake old survival skills for personality “I’m anxious.” “I’m insecure.” “I’m bad at communication.”
What if these aren’t personality traits but protection strategies from childhood?
Identity becomes a cage disguised as truth.
So How Do You Actually Loosen Identity?Start by asking:
Who taught me to be this way? Who benefits from me staying like this? Do I still want this identity? How do I act when no one is watching? What scares me about changing?You will begin to see :
The “angry one” is actually the “hurt one.”The “strong one” is the “overwhelmed one.”The “quiet one” is the “unaccepted one.”The “loyal one” is the “afraid-to-be-alone one.”
Identity is not who you are. It is how you learned to survive.
Once you see the need beneath the identity, you can finally meet that need directly,and that is where growth begins.
My message for you: just relax and observe yourself when you are talking with your parent, especially when they give advice. Notice your own behior and reactions. What do you feel like doing immediately? Obeying? If so, that might be your survival skill kicking in. Try doing something different, act the way you genuinely want, with compassionate understanding, not to upset or offend them.
The same goes for your partner. When they suggest something or point out a pattern, notice your first reaction. Do you immediately agree or get defensive? Instead, pause and observe. Respond in a way that reflects your values, not just the reflex to comply or protect your ego.